the end comes now
the end comes soft
as a soft soft sound
Robert sat on his bench swing and lit another cigarette. “Days like these come round bout once a lifetime. And if you miss it, well there’s just no tellin what’ll come of somethin like that.” He took a long drag from his cigarette and then put it out. Standing up and then stepping down, he took a long walk leaving everything behind.
The spoon had been knocked to the floor in a violent outburst from the fork as they battled for napkin space. “I wont be here long.” the spoon thought. “They’ll need me when it’s time for the soup.” But there was no soup that night, or any night for that matter. The house was haunted and the guests that night where the last living people to ever step foot into the house. And so the spoon lay there, gathering rust and dust thinking of sunshine and gentle breezes untill the house was demolished in May of 89.
As a car sat at a stop sign it’s driver fell asleep. “Aw what the hell!” the car said as it struggled to sound its own horn. The driver slept soundlessly on. It was a lonely old road and was glad to have the company. Everyone else it ever saw passed by without a word. And thats how it went on for hours, the car struggling and cursing and the road trying to think of something to say.
I began my adventure with the guitar in high school with the noble goal of winning over the girl that I liked. She wanted to play weezer covers with someone and I was totally down to be that someone. We never actually played any covers together and I never actually won her over, but my ability to play musical notes one after the other seemed to help me (much to my detriment, I can now see) win over a couple of other girls throughout my high school days.
Since high school my guitar has spent more of its time as a dusty living room decoration than as an instrument. Occasionally I would pick it up and give it a tune and a strum but that never seemed to go anywhere. I had just lost the motivation. It no longer seemed appealing to sit and spend a few hours coaxing out a song. It was always easier for me to write with others anyway.
I never spent much time thinking about why I wasn’t playing anymore, in fact I would say that I avoided thinking about it. Any mention of it would bring a dismissive wave from me and a joke successfully banishing the thoughts to no-where land. Even when I started new bands with some of my old friends we would write 1 song, get really excited about the song and then never practice again. And all I would think would be like “man this sucks” and then put my guitar away again.
I had a dream a month or so ago which prompted me to look at why I started playing the guitar. I realized that if I was playing to get girls, since I’m now married, I have no reason to play guitar anymore. The whole drive behind my creativity was gone. Within the context of why I started, to continue playing the guitar would be like continuing to look for your keys after you had found them.
I’ve had a couple of mecosystem conversations on the subject and they seem to be in agreement, They’re behind me as long as I really go for it. They all seemed pretty irritated with the lack of any meaningful dedication to it and they’re right of course.
If I want to get anywhere with it I have to actually put some time in. It’s not going to cut it to play for like 45 min 2 times a week. Not if I want to get anything meaningful done. And its been made pretty clear that either I need to just give it up or I need to go for it.
i think at this point the only thing holding me back is my fear of failure. I’m scared that ill put everything into it that I have and I wont end up with anything I can be proud of. It’ll just be a complete wash.
interestingly though last night I dreamt that a dream character sharing the same name as the mecosystem character who most represents my urges to play music asked me about my electronic anarchist music which is something I’ve never thought of before. So I’ll have to see where that takes me.
I want to be able to reflect back on my day and my week and my month and my year and not want to change a thing. I want to live without regrets, and not in a party-guy-totally-reckless sort of way; but in a this is all I will ever have sort of way where I can feel as though I’m squeezing every single bit of life out of my day as I possibly can.
This is why I’m dedicating myself to philosophy and truth and reason and introspection; because I want to live as much as I can in the best way possible. I want to drink deeply until they have to send in people to drag me away from the fountain.
My biggest problem as I see it now is these walls that I was forced to build up around myself. These walls that protected me at one point but are a hindrance at this point. I need to break down these walls and build up something better suited to my current situation. And I’m the only one that can do that.
I need to make what I want rather than wait for what I want.
So I was thinking about what I wanted to do and I’ve been finding it helpful to think of the phrase “what would the world want me to be doing?” when I’m making these kinds of decisions. It helps me to stay away from time sinks like video games and watching hours of TV (not that I don’t occasionally do that) but in the whole I doubt the world would care if i beat Mario 3 again or watched the matrix again or whatever. I then wondered why this was effective because when I then make the decision to read and take notes on self-esteem or some other thing I don’t feel any sense of regret or anything about what I’m not doing but rather fulfilment. And I find my activities energizing rather than energy sucking. And while there is definitely pleasure taken in activities that will help the future world it almost seems like too much benefit to be the only thing going on. Then it occurred to me that in this context the world is analogous to my mecosystem.
The world is a whole made up of a number of unique individuals each with their own qualities much like the various aspects of myself that make up my mecosystem. So to ask what the world wants me to be doing is in essence to ask what my mecosystem wants me to be doing.
This also explains why we can get so much benefit from our mecosystem when we are all working together towards an agreed upon goal.
In the world economy no single person can produce even something as simple as a pencil. But when you get the whole system working together, we get things like helicopters and microchips and an almost infinite number of things.
And I think that its this aspect that is the true power of the mecosystem. Its not just that you get in touch with a couple of different aspects of yourself but rather that you end up with your whole mecosystem world working together to create wonderful and previously impossible things. Things that no single aspect of myself can create (like creativity) can flow like a river when all aspects of the mecosystem are working together.
I’ve been recently having trouble trying to figure out where I’m heading in life and what I should be doing to get there. But now that I think about it, all the work I’m doing to try to get myself on the same page as my mecosystem is probably the best work I can be doing right now. The rest will just follow as that comes together and my full potential becomes available to me.